SEPTEMBER 6, 2024

When friends ask me how it is that I always have the exact bit of advice they need to hear, or how I “got so wise” as they sometimes phrase it, I actually have an easy answer for them. Trial and error. The way I see it, finding the path in life is a process of trial and error and I’ve done a lot of experimentation. I’ve learned a lot of different ways to send everything awry and I’ve taken some lessons from it. I try to make a habit of being open with those lessons, and sharing them freely when asked.

My last post dealt with habit-building. I originally wrote it for the blog of a company where I was working at the time (I don’t know whether anyone noticed that my writing voice sounded different than it does in other posts here). When the entry got shelved in lieu of another topic, I held onto it, because I still believe in what I wrote. Changing your behavior needs to be a gradual and consistent practice – just like when I intentionally increased my cold tolerance. However, I don’t want to sound as though I’m claiming to be perfect either. I’m not and I never will be, but I intend to continue my growth until the day I die. The progress I’ve made astounds me at times.

Habit Breaking

When it comes to shaping ourselves into the people we want to be, breaking unhelpful habits is as important as forming new ones. In my experience, they’re often the same thing. Every time I’ve wanted to stop engaging in a behavior, I’ve found my success in replacing the habit instead of simply resisting the urge.

One part of my past I don’t think I’ve touched upon yet in this blog is my history of addiction. In my high school and college years, I picked up a number of habits that were extremely harmful. These days I take much better care of myself. It’s been more than fifteen years since I’ve partaken in any illicit substances, and nearly five years since I swore off alcohol and nicotine as well. Instead, I practice yoga, I get outside, and I spend my time learning what else feels genuinely good in my body rather than only providing brief distraction. When I speak about habit replacement, this is the experience that I’m pulling from. It’s what has consistently worked for me.

Work With Your Brain

I have one of those brains that feels like it rarely wants to cooperate. When I was younger, I tried all the tips and tricks that I could find about how to keep my space perfectly organized or get ready super quickly in the mornings. Again and again, I implemented new systems to correct my behavior because I had read this book or that article about it that made everything sound so easy. I never accounted for the differences between the way that I function and how the writer of that book or article functioned.

As an example, let’s say that at the end of every day, I kick off my shoes near the front door. This results in a big, messy pile of shoes that can make for extremely annoying clutter. I tried organizing all of them by type on the floor of my closet. I tried putting a hanging shoe rack on my bedroom door, I tried buying more shelves for my room, and I tried using boxes. None of it worked.

That is, it didn’t work until the shelves got moved next to the front door. With every solution I’d attempted, I’d ignored that one aspect. The convenience factor of the location didn’t occur to me while I was planning. Then when I was tired or in a rush, it became more important. I’d tell myself I could deal with the shoes later, kick them off by the door anyway, and then forget. I’d end up with an empty shoe rack and still have an unsightly mountain by the door. When working with your behavior, knowing all your factors is critical.

Break It Down, Then Break It

The fact that we all have unique brains means that unfortunately there can’t be a single one-size-fits-all guide on these kinds of habits. There are no shortcuts here. Each habit needs to be dealt with individually, because each is a unique beast made up of its own smaller components. This is why two people trying to change the exact same behavior in themselves will often have to find different solutions.

Once you’ve identified the habit you want to focus on, examine its causes. All behaviors have a reason. That reason isn’t necessarily significant, practical, nor even logical, but it always exists. When I replaced my smoking habit, I found I was leaning on it for a few things. First, it was a fidget. I spend a lot of time in my car, and it was something I could fiddle with while watching the road. I’d use it as an emotional reset as well. It was a good distraction when I was feeling down or restless. If I was inside, needing a smoke was an automatic excuse for a change of scenery. It was even a stim too, because I liked how it felt in my throat.

Noting all those factors, it made sense why chewing gum wasn’t going to cut it as a replacement. I didn’t end up finding one single habit or trick that would cover all these motivations. However, a combination would. I can find other reasons to go outside, whether it’s a walk or just taking out the trash. Putting myself into a new environment turned out to be just as effective of a mood reset. If I can’t get outside, I can usually still find a way to put myself into another room. Hot tea and seltzer water both gave a similar-enough stim sensation. Putting a (reusable) straw in my beverage turned it into a fidget. I added more fun keychains to my lanyard just in case I needed more to fidget with.

Force of Habit

It was having this variety of tools that allowed me to eliminate my nicotine habit. The unwanted behavior I’m focused on now is doomscrolling. Just like nicotine, I’m finding that there are multiple reasons I might find myself scrolling endlessly through social posts I couldn’t care less about. Taking those reasons into account, I made myself a list of other behaviors I could engage in instead – specifically behaviors that I’d like to be doing more frequently. Actually, I made a whole spreadsheet.

I turned it into a checklist not because I feel a need to practice each one of these every day. It’s pretty easy to see that a decent portion of the boxes don’t get checked. Some days they all will, but those days are allowed to be the exception rather than the rule. I’ve included some favorite hobbies (reading, or working on my fiber arts). Those are great when I’m tired and need to zone out for a while. If I’m looking for a more engaging distraction or entertainment, I can practice my languages, do something to take care of my body (like a yoga class if I have energy, or a nap if I don’t), or do something to improve my immediate environment. I’ve also made sure to list some of my longer-term goals like making progress on my manuscript or improving my websites.

Reward Yourself

For me, it’s often enough of a dopamine rush to check off a box. On a day where I’m able to check all the boxes, I highlight that row, and that simple action increases my motivation. Others don’t react the same way, and will need to approach it differently. When a friend of mine was struggling to approach her to-do list, we turned it into an advent calendar. Now every time she completes a task, she rewards herself with chocolate. Your prize for your small successes can be anything. As long as it gives you a little mood boost, it’ll do the trick. Experiment with it and find what works best for you. Mix it up as often as you like to keep it fresh if you need to.

It’s your life, your brain, and your behavior. Do what works for you. Remember it’s always only about progress, because perfection is impossible.